Do you have to say "I do" at a wedding or elopement?

Think you have to say "I do" when you get married? Think again! Here's a fun fact that not many people know: there's nothing in Australian marriage law that requires a couple to say 'I do' as part of their marriage ceremony.

Saying "I do" may need a microphone so your wedding guests can hear on a windy day

I thought you had to say "I do" to be married!

The term "saying I do" is now a catchphrase to mean 'getting married'. However, saying "I do" comes from Christian church wedding ceremonies, and is not required in an Australian civil ceremony performed by a Registered Marriage Celebrant.

This comes as a surprise to many people, because popular culture has led us to believe that saying "I do" is an integral part of getting married. We've all grown up watching iconic movies and beloved tv shows where people say "I do" at weddings. Some of us have long imagined saying "I do" to our person as we marry them, and won't feel like we're actually married unless we speak those words.

All about saying "I do" in your marriage ceremony

You can say "I do" if you want to

The good news is this: while it's not legally required, if you love the tradition, and always imagined yourself saying it, we can definitely include a section where you get to say 'I do' in your ceremony.

But you don't have to say "I do" at all

Many of my couples choose not to say "I do". If you're not sure either way whether you'd like to or not, then it's probably not that important to you and I suggest you don't do it.

The Asking: how to say "I do" in a wedding or elopement ceremony

It's quite simple. We include wording that I say in the form of a question, to which you reply "I do".

Celebrants call this part of the ceremony 'The Asking', and in my Ceremony Planner ebooks that I share with my couples, I give examples of different wordings we can use for The Asking.

When to include The Asking in a ceremony

The Asking can form part of your ceremony no matter what. But if you're not saying your own personal vows, The Asking can be a particularly useful section of your ceremony. It's a chance for you to personalise your ceremony by mentioning the things you're actually promising, without having to say it yourself. I will speak the words as your celebrant, and all you have to say in reply is "I do"

I usually include The Asking towards the beginning of the ceremony. It seems logical to speak your agreement before we get into vows, the ring exchange, etc. But as it's not a legal requirement, it really could go anywhere in the ceremony. If you want, you could finish the ceremony by shouting "I DO" together as champagne bottles pop!

What are the options for The Asking in a marriage ceremony?

As The Asking isn't a legal requirement, there's a lot of flexibility not only with where it comes in the ceremony, but also how it's phrased.

You can say "I will" instead of "I do".

It's a subtle difference, but some couples prefer this wording. It's still a statement of commitment but less traditional than saying "I do". I phrase the question so it makes sense to be answered with the words "I will".

You can say "we" instead of "I"

Some couples prefer to say "we do" or "we will'" to answer a question together instead of separately.

You can answer more than one question, and vary your answers

If The Asking is long, it can work well to break it down into sections where you answer, separately or together, several questions.

Sometimes we use a combination of answers, for example:

• for the questions about promises you're making to each other, each person answers "I do"

• then a question is asked about parenting children, to which both partners answer together "we will".

No microphone needed for this couple saying "I do" at their intimate elopement

Personalising the wording of The Asking

When I was catching up with a couple at their planning meeting, they told me that as huge fans of The Mandalorian, they had been joking the night before about saying "This is the Way" instead of "I do".

I jumped at the chance to include this small element that made them laugh during their ceremony, and created wording so that it fitted seamlessly into the flow.

Wedding ceremonies shouldn't be boring, and the weddings I create definitely aren't one-size-fits-all. If you're after a cookie-cutter ceremony, then I'm not the Celebrant you're looking for!

I love to work with my couples to co-create deliciously meaningful marriage ceremonies that truly reflect who you are as a couple.

If you think I could be the celebrant for you, check out my offerings: The Elopement Package and The Wedding Package

Photos in this post by Red Eclectic